funny quotes tumblr
He completed the universe, he achieved the physical unity of the globe. ~Lamartine
His sayings are generally like women's letters; all the pith is in the postscript. ~William Hazlitt
Firefighting is all about ass - busting ours to save yours. ~Author Unknown
Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. ~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
We are so clothed in rationalization and dissemblance that we can recognize but dimly the deep primal impulses that motivate us. ~James Ramsey Ullman
If all men are born free, how is it that all women are born slaves? ~Mary Astell
Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinion at all. ~G.C. Lichtenberg
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will. ~Robert Frost
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. ~Arthur Baer
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. ~Author unknown, supposedly from a Washington Post reader submission word contest in which readers were asked to alter a word by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition
Better to lose count while naming your blessings than to lose your blessings to counting your troubles. ~Maltbie D. Babcock
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open. ~George Bernard Shaw
Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
A seed hidden in the heart of an apple is an orchard invisible. ~Welsh Proverb
He who is outside his door has the hardest part of his journey behind him. ~Dutch Proverb
Most editors are failed writers - but so are most writers. ~T.S. Eliot
When deeds speak, words are nothing. ~African Proverb
As Geography without History seemeth a carkasse without motion; so History without Geography wandreth as a Vagrant without a certaine habitation. ~John Smith
You don't want to get to the end of life's journey and discover you never left the interstate. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
After all, facts are facts, and although we may quote one to another with a chuckle the words of the Wise Statesman, "Lies - damned lies - and statistics," still there are some easy figures the simplest must understand, and the astutest cannot wriggle out of. ~Leonard Courtney, speech, August 1895, New York, "To My Fellow-Disciples at Saratoga Springs," printed in The National Review (London, 1895) (Thanks, Mark)